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Jethro - depression, lethargy and low self-esteem |
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Adele contacted me in desperation about Jethro, a 12 year old Fell pony gelding she'd had from a foal. She said he did everything grudgingly, with an air of indifference, he never seemed happy and his only motivation in life was food. She longed to take him for long walks out on the Devon moors, but there was no joy in it if he was resentful.
I worked distantly with Jethro over a period of about 4 hours spread over 3 weeks. This is a shortened account of his case history, given with the kind permission of Adele, who was the most wonderful person to work with and the love of Jethro's life.
Session 1 - Day 1
The immediate feeling Jethro gave me was that he was pinned down by a heavy burden, and that he suffered headaches, depression, lethargy, heaviness in shoulders, chest area and over his hips. The heaviness centred in his chest. He said something happened when he was 5, connected to a man or another horse, and he was left feeling worn down, with a sense of "I'm not beautiful any more." He told me, "I want to feel like I used to, without this heaviness."
The heaviness was indeed overwhelming and I knew I'd find it hard to communicate until I'd removed some of it, which I then did. Some was connected to the energy of a man who used to work with pit ponies, driving and pushing them hard, who said he'd been with Jethro since he was 5 years.
I finished the session with some healing and visualizaton for psychic/energy protection to help him feel more balanced. All I knew for sure at this point was that something had happened when Jethro was 5 years that triggered a sudden negative change in behaviour, and weakened his energy to the extent that it allowed this other, heavy energy to connect with him in some way.
After this session, Adele confirmed that when he was 5, he'd caught a respiratory infection and also had an 'incident' with some chain harrows, after which he'd completely lost his trust in her for a while.
Session 2 - Day 2
I did EFT on the heaviness, feelings of struggle, aching, tiredness, heavy chest, of ‘not being beautiful’ (Jethro's words). On a scale of 1-10 where 10's the worst, these feelings as a whole had rated 7/10, so I did EFT until they went down to 3/10, but they wouldn't go down further so I knew there was something going on underneath this. I also did a body scan and more healing. There was imbalance in his hips and upper femur, especially back right. He said he was cautious of over-exerting himself. In his heart/chest area I picked up a sense that something had happened where he just 'gave up' and felt unloveable. Jethro told me it was easier to give up than be "let down". Very low self-esteem and I also sensed a block somewhere. I also felt that the weakness I felt in his chest area was connected perhaps to the old respiratory infection but also to something deeper.
Session 3 - Day 8
Jethro showed me himself pushing small red ball around, telling me he had started to enjoy this game. Adele later confirmed that she'd been trying some clicker training to retrieve a small, red horse ball. It was the first sign that for the first time in 7 years he was taking an interest in something other than food.
Jethro told me that when he was asked to do something, he felt fear, which I knew was based on a very low self-esteem, lack of motivation, low expectations and a very limited comfort zone. He said the feeling connected with someone or something in his past, that he wanted to change, but he didn't know how. He then told me about his past and upbringing, his early life with his mother, but there was no sign of trauma. Even leaving his mother wasn't a huge issue, except she was quiet and solitary and he did experience some guilt at leaving her behind.
He then told me about the incident with the chain harrows which Adele had mentioned. He said they were small harrows. He had to pull, but they didn’t move, he tried to pull again, but they just didn’t move, so he had panicked. As with all trauma memories, they are a brief and confusing collection of noise, fear, confusion, shock and in this case also pain. All he could tell me was suddenly there was jarring and pain in back leg, something sharp and spiky, the noise (including human), the suddenness, unexpectedness, loss of trust, an emotional heavy feeling that he’s been let down.
This incident had triggered feelings of being treated badly, like he was worthless, inadequate, and had made a mistake. [For me, this is indicative of a past life trigger, because the perceived threat and therefore trauma response is disproportionate to the actual event.]
After this session, Adele confirmed that the accident had happened as he had described. She said she'd made a small set of harrows, had asked him to walk on, he tried but the harrows didn't move. She asked a second time and the harrow still failed to move. He gave a buck, got his right back leg caught over the attachment change and bolted off with the chain caught and dragging the harrows.
The trigger had been in trying to pull a load which was physically impossible for him to pull. So I asked Jethro to go back to the previous memory where he felt like this. He immediately dissociated (detached) from the feelings. So instead I went with images and the next thing, Jethro and I were in an underground pit:-
Jethro began to describe a life as a pre-reform pit pony, working by himself with a man who tried to be kind, but it was a hard life. Although usually they surfaced at end of the day, sometimes they were left in the pit overnight, sometimes alone. Jethro's life had become filled with darkness, loneliness, difficulty breathing, a blackness getting inside the body as well as outside, the sound of men coughing, his eyes shut, or open a slit, filled with the blackness, pulling loads that were too heavy to pull, and a connection between the feeling of being left - or being let down - and being alone.
Jethro told me he saw dead ponies. And the worst was not when the ponies died and were taken back up, but when the ponies stayed down there. He showed me an image of a dead pony being slid into a disused pit. He said if a pony died, the men occasionally found it easier to throw them in there than to take them back up again. This image seemed to be the culmination of all the horror of the place, the horror of ending up in that pit. So it was easier just to shut off from those feelings.
[NB. Notice the pattern of dissociation here. When
something scary happens, he's learnt to shut off
from his feelings, just like he did after the chain
harrows accident in this life. And notice that I'm
not even thinking about the historical accuracy of
this past life - all that matters is Jethro's emotional
response within this experience.]
So after identifying what thoughts, beliefs and feelings he'd carried over from that life, based on his emotional response to events, I helped Jethro to process and release them, using positive visualizations of being taken out of the pit to a beautiful place, plus EFT on images of being 'let down'.
Session 4 - Day 9
The strongest image for Jethro was of the dead pony being let down. On a scale of 1-10, this ranked as 11/10 - with feelings of fear, horror, sadness, loss, shock. So I did EMDR/trauma processing on:
Image Dead light/piebald pony being dragged to edge
Sounds Men, equipment, axes, man’s voice “we’ll let them down”
Thought “I want to get out of here.”
Feelings Sadness, desperation, loss, loneliness, frustration, desire to flea
Beliefs "That’s going to happen to me"
At this point he'd dropped to 0/10 on the scale and I realised he’d dissociated again. When I persuaded him to continue it brought on a bad headache (which he said he often got). But he agreed to continue only with the images, and this is how he related it to me:
He says that sometimes the horses aren't completely dead, so are despatched. He knows the men are trying to reduce their suffering, but collectively the ponies endure each end of life, waiting for their own. He says the pit is filled with narrow, long passageways, and he has to pull loads along at least one of them, which he shows me. There are oil lamps giving out a dim yellow light at intervals all the way up into the distant darkness.
He says it is easy to slip and his feet get caught and twisted in cracks and holes and his hips and legs are hurting. He says they have put tracks in some of the tunnels where things can be pushed, but his load is still heavy.
He tells me the fear has dropped from 11/10 down to 3/10. Now it is a fear of never seeing the light. A sadness, despondency. It is like waiting for your death, but not knowing when it will be, and being sad because it is not today and yet frightened in case it is and you will be dragged and ‘let down’ like the others.
He says after a while he didn’t even see the others. His eyes seemed to close and then they stayed closed and he didn’t open them. Or maybe he opened them and everything was dark. It made no difference. He would hear the sound of the cart and the footsteps of the man and the echo of his own feet against the walls of the tunnel and he would be guided by those. He wondered if he would ever see again. (He’d gone blind by this point, but had hardly realised it).
At this point there's a sense of completion, like the energy’s suddenly dropped. And he says, “You can take me out of this place now, because I’ve seen enough. But I’d like to take the others.”
So we lead every pony onto the ‘lift’ and up out of the pit – it takes 4-5 trips at least. Men meet them with special sunglasses that would heal/protect their eyes in the bright sunshine. Then very tall strong man lifts the spirits of the dead ponies out of the disused pit. Only then Jethro felt he could leave the pit.
He then tells me, “I think I can let that go now. I don’t want to be there any more.” Feeling state 0/10
Once 50 or so ponies were outside, I asked Jethro what he wanted to do with them. He said they could come to his field until they were better. I thought, "Great, they can keep you company!" He replied, “I don’t need friends, I’ve got Jooey” "Jooey?" I repeated. "Joy," he corrected me. He said his name for Adele was “Joy, because she is trying to bring happiness into my life again."
Next day, Adele sent this photo:
Adele said in her email: "Just had to tell you....
When I move the electric fence, the pushy mare
is always first to eat and Jethro doesn't have the
courage to push to the front so is one of the last
to eat. This morning he ate first!! no argument!"
Session 5 – Day 20
Jethro told me, “I feel like I'm on a journey and I don't know where it ends, and before I couldn't even see that. I feel like the darkness has lifted and am very grateful."
He showed me the physical feelings he was experiencing and I did EFT to help. I did some NLP techniques to boost his confidence, optimism and self-pride. He threw himself into the visualizations and really appreciated the chance to mentally destroy negative images from the past. In Jethro's case this meant chewing them up, spitting them out, stamping them into manure, and letting the remains dry up and be carried off into the wind.
Both he and I felt there had been so much change, that he had something to go on with now. He had self-esteem, more confidence, belief and trust in Adele. It felt like something inside him had been freed at last.
This is Adele's feedback, also included on the Testimonials page:
Feedback from Adele Norman, about Jethro
My 12 year old fell gelding, Jethro, (whom I’ve had from a foal) was a loner
in the herd and although I’d spent a lot of time training him naturally, our
relationship had fallen apart.
He is a very gentle soul but always bottom of the pecking order. His
demeanor became grumpy, ears back and ungiving. He seemed heavy,
lethargic, as if everything was a chore, and for me there was no pleasure
in riding him, it was as if he had given up, and I must admit that many
times, to my shame, our sessions together ended in exasperation and
frustration on my part.
I tried different methods of training, different tack, various therapists etc.
I was at the point of leaving him to graze away into old age out in the field
and getting another pony for myself, I so wished that he could ’tell’ me
what could be done to make his life (and mine) better.
Fortunately for me, whilst searching for holistic equine therapists, I came
across ‘TheAnimalHealers’ web site and animal communicator and healer
Brigid Reilly. What happened in the following weeks was nothing short of
a miracle. Brigid communicated with and healed Jethro distantly using a
photo.
Her approach to the situation was very professional, and the accuracy
and detail in her communications was stunning. The healing speaks for
itself - I have a different pony.
One month from the initial communication, Jethro is a changed animal,
his manner and attitude is lightness itself, no longer a loner or bottom of
the herd, it seems like a great burden has been lifted from him, at last he
is ‘happy in himself’ again. This change is so noticeable, that everyone
who has seen him recently, affirms what a different pony he is.
For me, it has been a profound experience, and knowing from Jethro, what
he is capable of, and how we can proceed together, is everything I could
have wanted.
Nothing I could ever say, could adequately express what Brigid has done
for us.
Adele Norman, Devon
Two 'before' and 'after' photos together
Jethro is a one-off special who will always stay in my
heart for reasons of his own, which is just how it is
with Jethro. He's an angel. Bless you Adele for
sharing him with me for a little while xxx
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